04 March, 2011

TAKE IT TO CHURCH!

This Entry was called: 11:11
I posted it some time ago - I don't remember when exactly <3
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The current time, and all I do is whisper a wish to the wind.
I disappeared today, thinking that all I wanted to be was remembered - that was a total fail, because that's not what I want at all.  I had to disappear, you see -- everywhere I go, everything I see is just baggage from a past that doesn't produce anything.  All the things that connected me to this past, aren't me anymore - at all.  I've evolved and changed faster than a new born baby.  However, it did seem as slow as the creation of the Earth as we know it since the big bang (took me a while to realize, to accept) but I'm getting there.  Right now, I'm looking at something that I should have done a long time ago - getting out of this place.  No one knows it yet - and I don't know how I will approach anyone about it - about the fact that I might never come back.  All my life, all I knew was this place, New York City, the bright lights - the loud sounds - the eternal beauty of this city, that I have learned to dislike but never lose the love.  This is happening faster than anything I can remember, and never in a million years would I have guessed this would have been me.  I wanted change, and now I'm making it happen.  This is the first time in my life that as soon as I propose something to myself, it has happened faster than immediately.
I have absolutely no one I can share all this with.  Though, this is probably just my stupid fears talking, but I feel that the people that are right around me (friends & family) would either, not understand, or take this information as me showing off to them, which I'm absolutely not.  So I feel quite depressed and alone, for right now at least, but I know that will change in a short time.  Lets see, about four or so months before the end of my life as I know it - the end of this incredible need to just break free.
I carry with me heavy memories of what I've seen and what I've experienced.  Most of the time, (but must be because this is the way I lead my life) so many happy memories that make my heart heavy with emotion when I think about leaving this place.  But I've had enough.  I want to live my own life, start fresh, create my own mark, seek my own fortune.
I keep on having strange dreams, about trains and rats and fish.  They represent my fears, my "fish out of water-ness" and my path in life.  I have to come to terms with all this and accept once and for all that this is my reality.  This is me.
I'll carry it all with me in a tiny cigarette case.  My friends, my music, my writing, my "style", my wants and my needs -- my memories.  I'll write letters to them of course, I don't think I'd forget anyone who made my existence worth while - but that's as much as I'll bring with me - everything else, I leave in my will for the greatest city in the world.
I wanted to start a vlog, but again, I don't want to come off as presumptuous.  I wouldn't open a facebook either, for what? so people can watch me and silently judge me?  No thanks - I'll just keep this blog, for now at least.  I won't show it to anyone though - if anyone happens to find it great, but I won't say a word.  This is just for me to vent, to make the process of leaving a little easier (and so I can excersise my neurons without having to worry about being better or worst than anyone).
I just hope they never forget ...
me.
I just want to live forever, I have the time.



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